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Dorian Solot & Marshall Miller
Marlowe & Company, November 2002

It's about time someone wrote a book about cohabitation. Given how downright mainstream living together has become, it's surprising there isn't already a whole shelf of cohabitation books, right between the dating advice and the marriage guidance. Come to think of it, it's odd that newlyweds are still the recipients of so much relationship advice, when most newlyweds have been sharing an address and a tube of toothpaste for years. It only makes sense that couples need information before they tie the knot.

Now comes Unmarried to Each Other: The Essential Guide to Living Together as an Unmarried Couple (Marlowe & Company, November 2002), by Dorian Solot and Marshall Miller. An unmarried pair themselves, Solot and Miller interviewed 100 cohabitors (both straight and gay), and intersperse their stories and quotes with sage wisdom and critical information about survival sans wedding rings. The effect is a friendly book that's both eminently practical and also a fascinating read for married and unmarried alike.

Solot and Miller start with a chapter designed to help prospective cohabitors know if they're ready to move in, taking a reasonable approach that encourages couples to take the step seriously and gives them step-by-step suggestions for what to consider and discuss. This chapter alone will undoubtedly save some doomed relationships from the emotional and financial costs of a hasty, dewy-eyed decision to live together.

The rest of the book answers the questions Solot and Miller find are the ones on the minds of unmarrieds around the country. Could we make medical decisions for each other if one of us had a medical emergency? (Yes, but only if you fill out health proxy forms, a simple process the book explains.) What can we do when Uncle Gus accuses us of living in sin? (The book provides five ways to deal with disapproving relatives.) Can we get joint health insurance? (Yes, in many places, thanks to domestic partner health benefits.) Can we have a wedding to celebrate our relationship without getting legally married? (There’s a chapter full of stories of couple who have done just that, and tips on making it work.) What if we have kids? What’s up with those claims that couples who cohabit are more likely to get divorced? What can we do to keep our relationship strong, married or not? It’s all in there, and Solot and Miller’s chatty, down-to-earth approach makes the information particularly reader-friendly.

But what elevates the book from a useful self-help book to a category-transcending great read are the voices of the cohabitors around the country who are quoted in each chapter. Their quotes and stories lend a chorus of authenticity to the authors’ advice and experiences, bringing the book to life and grounding it firmly in the reality of unmarried people’s lives. Readers get a glimpse into how real couples think about their finances, negotiate housework, interact with each other’s families, and grapple with the decision to get married. One woman struggles with how to reconcile her Christian identity with her loving but unmarried relationship. A young adult recounts what it was like to be raised by an unmarried couple. Another woman tells the story of trying to prove to a skeptical gatekeeper that she and her partner really were domestic partners, by offering to “go get him and make love with him on the office carpet.” The bureaucrat “decline[d] this generous offer and issued the ID,” she remembers.