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Ann Dunnewold, PhD
HCI, April 2007.

Bloody brilliant! That’s what I think! Thank you, Dr. Dunnewold, thank you! In a land of Perfect Mommyhood, where birthday parties have to include invitations to the entire class, bouncy castles and pony rides, I can now get off the Extreme Parenting Express without the slightest bit of guilt.

In her book, Even June Cleaver Would Forget the Juice Box: Cut Yourself Some Slack (and Still Raise Great Kids) in the Age of Extreme Parenting, Dr. Ann Dunnewold explains historically how we came into this nutty world of the Mommy Mystique, where Moms should be “loving, giving, ever-present, constantly self-sacrificing, organized, energetic, and joyful.” This is a crazy world where Moms are “teachers, coaches, and therapists to their kids...” Where Moms are "responsible for the children’s educations, social lives, manners, laundry, diets, health, entertainment, moods, creativity, and accomplishments on every level,” where Moms “put their children first, forsaking their own lives at every breathing moment.”

I thought I must be some kind of space alien because I occasionally let my kids have left-over birthday cake for breakfast! Surely I must be the worst of mommies that I would forget that it’s “pajama day” at school and refuse to drive all the way home and all the way back to the school again with pj’s in tow. I must be the meanest mom alive to say “no” to having friends come over when I’m tired, and only the worst of parents would refuse to do their kid's homework for him and let his grade reflect his own work. Heaven forbid that grade be anything less than an A!

Thank you, Dr. Dunnewold for reminding us that we are only human and how to recognize and avoid those irrational “Thinking Traps” that leads us to be “overperfecting, overprotecting, and overproducing.” It’s a wonderful breath of fresh air to hear someone admit to the “day to day drudgery of parenting.” Life is not a Pampers commercial! It’s perfectly normal and acceptable to accept that you “love the kid, but hate the job” and that “Parenting is the hardest job I’ll ever do -- but the rewards will come.”

“I am a perfectly good Mommy” has become my new mantra. Dr. Dunnewold explains this “perfectly good” paradigm as an old-fashioned phrase meaning “clearly good” or “without qualification” as in “those shoes are perfectly good, you don’t need new ones.” As a stressed-out Type A personality, I’ve taken this paradigm and worked it into other areas of my life. Not only am I a “perfectly good mother,” I am a “perfectly good wife” and a “perfectly good pet owner.” (I decided on this last one after going into the pet store and wondered if I really should be purchasing my new puppy one of those fall sweaters that are most prominently displayed at the front of the shop…)

Dr. Dunnewold maintains that we need to cut ourselves some slack, and not only this but that as moms, we should be cutting each other some slack. In this crazy world of having to have it all, parenting has become a competition. Instead of trying to win the race, we should be more focused on helping each other out and supporting each other through some of the most difficult and demanding years of our lives.

While reading this book, I could not help thinking of the television show “Desperate Housewives”. I am thinking of the particular episode where the character Lynnette has a mental and emotional breakdown. Crying in the middle of a soccer field, she expresses how alone she has felt, that something must be wrong with her, and when her friends reveal to her their own parenting stress and anxiety, she asks her friends why no one ever bothered to share this with her before. That simple act of sharing can save our sanity. Instead, in the competitive world of Extreme Parenting, we have a tendency to pretend everything is alright, and we hide our disappointment in the fairytale roles of June Cleaver and Claire Huxtable.

Dunnewold’s book gives us tools to maintain “Straight Thinking,” to stop “Bad Mom” thoughts, rules to follow in “the Perfectly Good Mother Manifesto,” and “Perfectly Good Mantras" such as: “Taking care of me means more to give to my kids.”

For me, this book was a confirmation of what I knew to be true in my heart, but did not feel comfortable expressing in my world of “moms who supply beautifully hand-decorated, lacy, red and white, valentine goody bags filled with treats of delight for every child in the class.” It’s perfectly acceptable to send good old-fashioned paper valentines folded with a sticker and carried in a crayon decorated paper lunch bag, and gosh darn it, sometimes if I want my kids to drink their milk, I’m going to put chocolate in it! Any of you other moms who want to join me in the rebellion against the empire of “Perfection Parenting” -- I suggest you read Even June Cleaver Would Forget the Juice Box and send me an email. We could band together and share our “Worst Mommy Ever” stories, pat each other on the back, and tell each other that when it comes down to it, we're not such bad moms after all!

Heather Kaminski is currently a stay home mom of two. In her “past life” she earned a Bachelor’s Degree in Psychology and a Bachelor’s Degree in Education.