Blessings, Kristen

Strategy 6: Journaling

It was a pink diary with a gold key attached to its lock by a silky pastel-pink ribbon. Though a strange place to keep the key for a lock, that’s where I kept it. I remember hiding the diary under my mattress and fiercely guarding freshly inked entries revealing the latest objects of my affection. I was nine, and the little pink diary, a gift from Santa Claus, became a trusted friend — a place to share the unshareable.

Even if you didn’t have a diary of your own when you were young, you’re probably acquainted with the concept of journaling — keeping a written record of your daily life documenting your thoughts, feelings, desires, or interpretations of your life’s experiences. What I’d like to offer you, however, is journaling with a little twist — an adult version of the little pink diary. And here’s why: control, control, and control! When Mark and I were in the family-creating mode, our relationship began to shift from romance to mechanics. He became, above all else, the sperm supplier.

How quickly we fall from love-making to the pure mechanics of baby-making. I began to hear that old song by the Righteous Brothers, “You’ve Lost That Loving Feeling,” play over and over in my head.

So what does this have to do with a diary?

The goal of journaling is to purge yourself of your daily stressors and emotional thoughts by pouring them out onto the page. Just getting them out of your head and down your arm onto paper will give you a tremendous sense of power and control. Just like your scheduled lamenting time ("Strategy Four"), journaling releases your “mental toxins.” In a sense, your personal journal is a nonjudgmental reflection of your life, bearing witness to your day and providing a safe place for uninhibited release.

Think of journaling as documenting your thoughts and activities of the day for history’s sake. Whether you’re jotting down your day’s activities or venting about an incident that’s weighing on your mind, putting things on paper has a way of lessening your burdens and fine-tuning your perspectives. It’s a great way to stay sane while trying to make a baby.

At this point some of you might be thinking that this all sounds pretty elementary — and you might be correct. But here’s the twist. I want you to write down your love story.

Each individual in a couple interprets the baby-creating experience differently, and, because of those differences, it can be easy to “lose that loving feeling.” From my experience, it is critical to have direct access to why we’re with who we’re with, what made us fall head-over-heels in love with that person, and why we committed ourselves to a life with that person. One day when Mark and I were at odds — when the “ugly-marriage” bug began to bite and I interpreted his behavior as unloving, cold, and disinterested—before I went for his jugular, I realized that I wanted a reminder of why I was in love with this person. That night, in my journal, I wrote down our love story. My anger at Mark softened, and I became more rational about the argument we’d had. From then on, whenever things got tense, or our lovemaking became too mechanical, I would reread our history. By doing that, I connected to the “loving feeling” and was able to address my feelings in a controlled manner.

Putting It into Practice

You may already be a convert to journaling for your own personal growth. If you are, I encourage you to start a new journal to record just your experiences as you try to become parents. When you finally achieve your goal — and you will! — you’ll be able to store this journal away as a separate chapter in your life.

If you’re new to journaling, I think you’ll find it — and this exercise in particular — very helpful.

• Determine what you will be using for your journal: a notebook, loose-leaf paper in a binder, a store-bought journal, even a real diary, complete with lock and key. You might want to purchase a special pen to use just for this journal.
• Find a time when you’ll be undisturbed and can write in peace.
• Open your new journal to the fresh first page. In the upper right-hand corner, write the date that you met your partner. Not today’s date, but the date your relationship began, the date you first met this person who you now may be viewing as a sperm- or egg-making machine.
• Then begin to fill the page with the sights, sounds, smells, and feelings of that meeting.
• When you’re finished with that, write down five reasons why you fell in love with him or her.
• As you and your partner continue in your quest to have a baby, refer to your love story again and again. Trust me — this really works. Your documentation of your meeting, and its significance to you, is the key to accessing those loving feelings again.