Home

Things We Like

Fertility Center

Experts

Columns & Essays

Feature Articles

Community

Q. My three-year-old is constantly moving, constantly talking, can't be still or quiet for a minute! I'm worried that he might be hyperactive. I don't want to label him, but I don't want to avoid helping with any problems he might have either. I've noticed that he's the most "hyper" of all his same-age friends, so I'm worried about his future. What should I do??

A. Before you rush off to have him tested, let's go through a general checklist of what you can do to focus and calm your son -- that is, to help your son focus and calm himself. Our purpose in these suggestions is for you to teach your three-year-old to be aware of his actions and manage his own energy. When you teach him structure and management techniques, you will observe whether or not he can help himself. Teaching him to help himself may require the assistance of a therapist, and it will take your time, and you and your family will be much happier.

Truly hyperactive children have a physiological problem. They do not seem to have the ability to focus, are easily distracted, and leave messes, throw tantrums, start fights, act obstinate and destroy property. If he seems truly unable to help himself, then I suggest an examination to determine if there are any physiological causes for his behavior.

Some physical approaches to calming down:

1. Teach deeper, effective breathing - see my article for breathing exercises for children, "How Deep Breathing Can Help Your Child Manage His Hyperactivity and Emotions." See more related resources on Inspired Parenting. Teach him how to slow down and breathe deeply until he can say, "I feel calmer."

2. Use physical touch - when you speak with him, hold his hand to calm him down or his chin if you are speaking with him. Look eye-to-eye, and speak to him in short sentences, no more than three sentences at any time. Ask if he understands the instructions or what you said. To insure this, have him repeat what you said to him. How well he does on this will tell you how well he can process the information you give him.

3. Find out as you work with your son and his behavior if he can tell you how he feels before he starts to act out. Here you are searching for a "feeling" that he can recognize. Some children use descriptions like "volcano exploding, wild wind, can't help it, whooshing through me." He might be able to point to his body and locate a feeling that will clue you in. Then when he knows the feeling is overcoming him, you and he can breathe together. Eventually he will learn to do this on his own. Children who learn this also teach their peers.

4. Put him in an exercise program that uses his energy in a constructive and focused way. I do not suggest that he engage in competitive sports at all until he can manage his behavior.

5. Find ways that you can help him contain or redirect his impulsivity. You must be consistent with your structure here. For example, if you have a rule about no dessert until after the meal, then do not give in to dessert until the rules are followed. Same for bedtime, television viewing, etc. Then provide constant and visual reward for his good behavior. Make a chart with the rules listed. Give stars. Move up to a rewards-for-activities-completed ladder. Containing behavior and structuring impulsivity are the two main foci early on.

Emotional/Social Support:

6. Give your child training in social skills. As silly as this may sound, think of how you would train a puppy to live with you in your home. We help our aware children train their animal instincts in much the same way. Model, practice, and reward. Model, practice, and reward.

7. Have a mother-son class in telephone etiquette, grocery store etiquette, swimming pool etiquette, riding in the car etiquette, and the like. If it is a game, children will learn it. Ask any early childhood teacher.

For Yourself:

8. If you do not feel that you can handle this type of child rearing by yourself, or you feel inadequate to do so, then get some help. Take parent skills training. Read books. Educate yourself. What you can do for your child now is of absolute importance to his success in school and social relationships in later years.