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| Whatever Happened
to the Old? Gratitude for the New Back to The Expanded Sky |
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| by Alice Wisler | |||
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It's that time of year when cards with butterflies and email messages that end in "thinking of you during
this time," arrive in my mailboxes. I sit in a fast food restaurant days before the anniversary of my son's
death and over a chicken sandwich and cup of tea, I read the comfort from a woman I don't know well. But well
enough to have shared about Daniel with her and shared tissues months ago. Her card says she knows I am
"ministering to others in grief" but she adds her hope at the end. She hopes I will let others reach out to
me and comfort me. I suppose I don't expect much these days. There was a time I desperately wanted my friends, my friends from my neighborhood and church — those who had seen Daniel's smile and later hovered around us as he lay dying — to reach out to me. I was angered because months after we lost him, they lost their stamina in keeping up with us and knowing what to do. | |||
| More from Alice Wisler | |||
| One of the aspects about older grief is that you expect less. You know society is, as a whole, forgetful.
There are soccer games, parties to plan and graduations to attend. Life goes on for the non-bereaved friends.
Many sent cards for Daniel's first birthday without him and the first dark and dreary anniversary. But now,
six years down the trek, they seldom remember. Of course I have to throw in here that there are a remnant who did know my son and who continue to recall his life. There are friends and family members who have walked this journey near me. I value them. I marvel at their love. I see so much goodness in their tender eyes and aching hearts. I used to focus only on those I felt should remember and yet, who didn't. They didn't meet the "standards" I had for them. How could they have been so close to us at Daniel's diagnosis and death and then act like all was well and let us slip away? In time I have realized I have to let these old friends go. And I have let new friends come in. As the old friends angered me, these new friends surprise me. They ask, "How can we help you during this time?" The women from my new church send cards, call, and give gifts that connect me to my little boy. They hold me and don't mind the damp tears I leave on their shoulders. Every once in a while I let the faces and names of the old friends walk through my mind. Many of them I
have no contact with anymore. But then I see face to face my new friends. They are not afraid to embrace
me nor my grief. They realize that grieving is a natural part of life and encourage me to do it well. They
listen and they learn.
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Living Life from the Graveyard Is There Laughter After Death? Grief Meets the Answering Machine There is Nothing Wrong with You! Scared to Death of Dying and Denying Grief |
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A Few Tips to Help Those in Grief: Call and send cards to let your grieving friend know that you are thinking of him. Go visit the grave with your friend. Listen as she speaks of her yearning and pain. Allow yourself the freedom and the gift to cry with her. Remember the dates - write down when your friend's loved one was born and when her loved one died. Send cards or call on these significant dates. Buy a book on bereavement so that you can have a better idea of what your friend is going through. Be kind and gentle with your friend. Grieving a loss is never easy. Practice patience. Say your friend's loved one's name. Don't be afraid to share your memories of this special person. Let your friend know how valuable he is to you. |
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