If I must say so myself, I've always been a pretty good gift-giver. What's funny is that sometimes, I don't even give gifts when everyone else does -- my ideas are often more exorbitant than my budget, and I end up figuring that if the recipient can't have the fine gift I have in mind, he or she is better off without a token. I tend to forget that there really are some people who just want stuff and experience something akin to bliss just from getting stuff, even tokens. But when I can make that magical connection between what I can spend and what I want to buy for someone, I usually nail it on the head. The key factor -- I think about who that person is, what they're like, and what they'd want. Sounds simple and easy, but apparently (judging from gifts that I've seen some folks give), it's not.

So to that end, I'll tell my son's family members from around the country this -- get to know him. Then you won't have to ask. Harsh, I know, and in truth, they're only being helpful. Why buy the kid something he either already has or already hates?

A Primer on The Diva's Kid

First, he's a kid. In some ways, he's just like every kid, and in others, he's unique. So, sure he loves brightly colored plastic doodads that move and make noise, and he has a particular penchant of late for all objects that express power. This kid, this very special only child of doting parents, has a lot of doodads. A lot. That's not really what he wants.

All he really wants are the same things that all kids -- and all adults who know themselves well -- really want:

He wants a well-balanced diet -- even if only to have the chance to turn it down. He wants the option, not just sometimes but always, to turn his nose up at a plateful of several items of different colors, textures, and flavors.

He wants a well-lit home, with lightbulbs in every available socket. Candles are great on birthday cakes.

He wants a house that's warm enough ("surrounded by fur," to be exact) for him to live naked all the time.

He wants a warm and comfy bed, whether he kicks off all the covers or not.

He wants a jacket with sleeves that go all the way down to his wrists. You can't play "Look, my arms are cut off!" with an outgrown jacket.

He wants to play at least part of every day, unfettered by schedules and chores, undistracted by television. Part of that time, he wants to play with someone who'll agree to be completely under his spell, be who he wants them to be, and say what he says to say.

He wants friends -- to play with, to fight with, to hang out with, and to talk about. Mostly, he just wants to know that they like him.

He wants to be listened to, endlessly and with genuine attention.

He wants his questions answered, now.

He wants to believe that he is big enough to do whatever he wants to do.

He wants to be picked up and held like a baby when he requests it.

He wants to spend time with his grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. He actually has a thing for old people. Mostly, he just wants to know that they like him.

He wants both of his parents to be together in the same place, at the same time, with him. All behaving politely.

He wants a mom who can't be summed up as tired, irritable, and busy.

Yes, family, he will settle for a whizbang whatchamacallit, in lieu of the above. That should fill him up for a week or so. And please send photos.